A12

by Paul Merrigan
This Week Staff

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Most of us are aware of The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf. It's a morality tale told to young children to teach them about the dangers of lying - do it too often and eventually no one believes you. And you get eaten by a wolf (at least as some kids believe).

While there are few, if any, of us that can claim to rarely or never lie, the fact of the matter is that telling lies or even omitting the truth is a common behaviour among all people, not just children. When our children are very young, lying is expected (although hopefully confronted and challenged) as it is a natural instinct to want to stay out of trouble or not have mom and dad upset. What is important as a parent or caretaker is to take every opportunity possible to educate your children on the importance of honesty.

This seems straight forward but is really difficult for many parents. If your reaction to your child's misbehaviour is to get very upset, to yell or to lose your temper in a dramatic fashion then you are only reinforcing one the main reasons kids lie in the first place - fear.

A line used by many parents to their kids is "It will only be worse if I find out you're lying." Think about this line - if you lose your temper immediately, yell or even put down your child, how can it be worse?

Losing privileges or material possessions may seem like a bigger deal, but nothing has a longer term or more negative effect than saying things like "How stupid can you be?" or "I've never been so embarrassed." These kinds of comments serve no purpose other than to teach you children to fear your reactions and to become better liars.

As hard as it may be, make sure that when your child is honest about something they have said or done to first and foremost, praise their honesty. Knowing that you are truly proud for that behaviour makes it more likely to be repeated in the future.

Also, while it is still important to have appropriate consequences for their behaviours, focus on what they can do to fix or help whatever damage they have caused, whether it is physical or emotional. Educating a child that fixing mistakes is the right thing to do and using it as a learning and growing experience will be more helpful to all sides.

If you find that your child is continuing to lie and that the behaviour is becoming a problem,ask questions. Why is your child lying? What are they gaining or more importantly, what are they avoiding by telling the lies?

You may find that your own behaviour has dictated many of the reasons for your child's behaviour. Modelling honest behaviour will go a long way to help your child. Remember, the truth will set you free - and keep you safe from wolves.

* Paul Merrigan is a certified private personal counsellor and stay-at-home dad to two boys. He holds a M.Ed. in Counselling Psychology. To contact him or ask a parenting question for a future column, email paulmerrigan@hotmail.com or call 364-7401.